How many people have difficulties with the big decisions in life? I've been contemplating a relocation for many reasons: I miss my daughter and granddaughters; I'm just not that fond of winter any more; I'm feeling isolated; I'm terribly lonesome...
The positive energy in me wants to analyze all the little stuff into submission; but the negative side of me just wants to point out all the reasons why I shouldn't move. The key words: wants and shouldn't.
I would have been married for 50 years this September. But, it lasted only 18 years and six months. I've actually been divorced longer than I've been married. That, in itself, makes me sad. My Mom and Dad, in spite of lots of ups an downs, were married for 63 years. I made a new start in life when I got married: built a house; grew lots of flowers; planted trees; had a huge garden; worked my butt off trying to please the man; never succeeded in that. After the divorce, I stuck around for a few years, putting up with the ex stealing my sheep, my sheep dog, and generally being a jerk. When I decided to sell my part of the farm he even refused to follow-through with the agreed upon settlement of the farm. He 'changed his mind' and it cost me an extra $1,500 to have the land re-surveyed. My attorney at the time asked the right question: Do I want to pursue the 'right thing' for $5,000 -$10,000, or do I want to get out of hell for a mere $1,500. He agreed that I was being 'taken for another ride,' but I could take control and go. So I did.
I made a second new start in life by moving to Idaho in 1991. It was a horribly difficult decision: I had to sell my flock of sheep, some of whom had names and were cherished pets; I had to sell my home/farm and pack up my stuff. For the first few months I didn't have a job; I was living on my money from the sale of the farm; I didn't have a place to call home; and wasn't sure I'd made the right decision. In July of 1991, I went to work for the County. In September of that year, I bought the piece of which I'm still living on: wheat land with nothing but stubble on it. In February of 1992 I had a well drilled: 12+ gallons a minute! Then I bought a used [read dilapidated] Forest Service office trailer, which would be my temporary home; then I had a road excavated and gravelled; brought in the trailer and waited for the natural gas to be piped to the house and the electricity to be brought to the site. In August of 1992, my daughter announced that she and her boy friend were going to move to Las Cruces, NM and get married in September. My father was helping me to get the trailer into a livable place and my daughter wanted me to make her wedding dress. This was cause for anxiety and arguments: I was anxiously sewing the dress; my father was telling me to quit wasting my time; and I thought my life had just been dumped into the big trash can of life.
Needless to say, the dress was made; Melody and Glenn made their move to Las Cruces; may parents and I went to the wedding in Las Cruces; and in October of 1992, I was still waiting for natural gas and electricity so I could move into my home. The water piping was done. Wow. By the end of October, I had natural gas, electricity and a place to live. It was rough going for a while: I had a 1985 Ford Ranger truck, 2-wheel drive, that didn't always make it up the driveway in the snow. My job at the County improved; I was lonesome as hell but I had my dog and he would console me when I cried.
Now, here is 2015 and I'm in a quandary about what to do, again. My family is far-flung: some in Illinois; some in North Carolina. The weather is better, usually, in NC, but the part of the family that I'd like to be closer to is in Illinois: otherwise known as tornado alley. But the bigger issue that bedevils me is: do I really want to start over again? I've planted trees here since 1992, and most of them are now well over 20 feet tall; I got out of the used Forest Service office trailer in 2003, and have a nice home on a crawlspace with hardwood floors; I have a garage, with an attached studio which I have yet to use because it's stuffed full of 'stuff' that is too painful to go through and eliminate most of it while keeping the important stuff.
This indecision is taking a toll on me: I don't think I have it in me to start over, and yet I signed-up for a dating website, but now I'm even sorry I did that. After all, several months ago I sent a man packing because he was a couch potato/slug/leech who wasn't contributing to the expenses and we were both unhappy. Do I want to go through that again too?
Indecision is the thief of time, and energy, and happiness. It's a good thing I have a dog who knows how to console me! How do other people deal with this sort of stuff? Better than me? I can only hope.
I need to go make another quilt to feel productive. Count your blessings. She who hesitates is lost and a long way from the next exit.
